The Naughty Book

I can't explain why but all children seem to take a nasty pleasure in getting other children into trouble. I knew this but was unprepared for the literal onslaught of 'dobbers' that would hunt me down every playground duty to violently exclaim their tales of injustice or sycophantly point out the tiniest of infringements, lest the wrongdoers go unpunished.

I have a multitude of dobber stories to share at a later point but this post is especially reserved for Ivan.

One fine day I was meandering through the Year 2 handball area on first half lunch duty when a flurry of excitement caught my eye. Sure enough, a gang of kindergarten boys were throttling towards me, their eyes ablaze with fury. A cacophony of anguished wails met my ears and I deciphered the following:

"There's a boy swearing!"

"He said naughty words!"

"He said the P word!!"

"Yeah, he said the P word!"

"He said the P word and the F word!!!!"

Hearing that the infringement was the dreaded F word, I set off at once. I sent one child to fetch me the feared naughty book while the gang led me to the opposite corner of the playground and proceeded to encircle a boy sitting on the ground, their fingers raised in accusing points while the dobber shouts continued. I shushed the onlooking crowd and reprimanded bystanders for not minding their own business. Sat before me was a small, blonde child that was snivelling and sobbing. It's this kind of remorse that separates truly naughty children with those that have just slipped up and I was touched by his genuine shame. I knelt before him and put on my most nurturing Kindy voice.

"Hey matey. Did you say a naughty word?"

He began to sob harder and feebly nodded while staring at the ground.

"Look at me darling. We must never, ever say naughty words because they're ugly and it's against school rules. Did you say the naughty word for any reason?"

He choked out an anguished reply:

"Yes, they were all annoying me!"

At this the gang were in uproar and defiant shouts ensued that were only quelled by my cranky teacher state that I have nearly perfected.

"Matey, that's what teachers are here for. If people are being mean to you, you can come and tell a teacher who will help you. It's never ok to swear, even if people are annoying you."

At this, scenes of lunchtimes past flashed in my mind where I'd literally have a line of children crying about others being mean.

"But do you know what the best thing to do is? Just say 'don't do it, I don't like it', and if they still annoy you just walk away and find nicer friends to play with."

By this time the Naughty Book had been fetched. I like to avoid putting the little ones in the book because it really is the worst punishment in the world for all except the infamous, hardened, naughty boys. But swearing is very naughty for a kindergarten child and a practice that ought to be nipped in the bud.

"Ivan, I'm going to put you into the naughty book. You've already gotten into trouble by me so you won't get into more trouble but what this means is that if you do anything else naughty, we'll be able to see that you've been naughty two times and then it'll be pretty serious."

Ivan sadly nodded his head and began to cry again. I started to write the details in but when it came to what actually happened, I needed clarification. I looked to the gang and asked what happened.

"He said the P word!"

"He said the P word and the F word!"

At this, Ivan's head shot up in anger and cried

"No! Just the P word!!"

At this, the gang nodded their assent that this was indeed true. The boy claiming to have heard the F word then wandered off and I actually think he was a ring in who had been attracted by all the commotion in the first place. I confirmed it was just the P word but had begun to wonder what on earth the P word was. Piss? It was the only word I could think of.

"Ivan, whisper in my ear what the naughty word was, just so I know. You won't be in more trouble."

Ivan choked back a sob while staring at me dubiously, then leant forward and in a strangled whisper said:

"...Poop."

Before starting a renewed fit of sobs. At this I bit my lip as hard as I could to stop a grin spreading across my face. Tears stung the back of my eyes at my repressed laughter. When I had finally composed myself enough to continue I replied so the whole crowd could hear me:

"Well that's a SILLY word and it's not a nice word but it's not a really, really naughty word so I'm not going to put you in the naughty book."

Poor Ivan, who is probably a lovely and sensible child most of the time hadn't yet recovered from the shock of nearly being in the Naughty Book by the time second half lunch had come around and I left for the staff room. I, however, laughed for days later at the events but was also warmed at the innocence of a large group of boys thinking 'Poop' was a swear word.