Afternoon news

Afternoon news is one of my favourite sessions at school purely because of the hilarity of what the monkeys find newsworthy.

"Good afternoon KC."

"GOOD AFTERNOON JAMES!" the whole class cries in that familiar sing-song chorus. I wonder what I'll hear today?

James stands before the class wearing a look of deep seriousness and waits in silence. He looks at me, eyebrows raised and says:

"I can't start because Georgie isn't sitting on her bottom." A pointed glare in Georgie's direction shames her into unfolding her legs from underneath her and sitting cross legged.

Cooper in the front row is sitting with his back so straight he is actually about to topple over backwards. His arms are rigid and end in his tiny hands gripping his knees with such ferocity that his knuckles are turning white. I daren't look at his face because I will sob with laughter - his eyeballs are bulging, his cheeks are sucked in to their maximum and his eyes will be darting between the news-teller and me as he steals glances of agonised longing at the stickers in my hand that I reserve for 'the best listeners'. The irony is that he's barely listening at all for the immense amounts of concentration required to lean as far back as possible in the attempt to sit up straight.

James begins.

"Well I have these snakes." From his pocket he pulls out two rubber snakes - one red, one green. The audible gasps of "aww cool" are silenced by James who stares daggers at anyone interrupting his turn to speak.

"These snakes are real but I turned them into plastic because the green one tried to bite me and hypnotise me."

I shove my knuckles into my mouth in an attempt to plug my giggles as this is no laughing matter. The class stares with solemn reverie at the snakes and some of the boys even give knowing nods.

"Do you mean paralyse James?" I ask.

"No."

I guess I was wrong! James continues his news that has somehow evolved into a death defying escape from the two snakes that have tried, and failed, to hypnotise him. Tears are literally pouring down my cheeks as I stifle giggles but some of the kids have caught on and are starting to laugh too. Eventually all 20 of us are guffawing at the ridiculousness of this tale and even James is finding it hard to finish between his own laughs.

"Thank you for listening KC."

"YOU'RE WELCOME JAMES!"

Before I can call up the next student, little Bailey, a gorgeous child who would make a great teacher one day, has jumped up and leans in close to whisper in my ear.

"Excuse me Miss Carlson, do you think it would be ok if I had a special news? It's not my news day but I have something special to tell everyone." Intrigued, I agree.

After another rousing chorus of good afternoon Bailey asks the class:

"So who knows where we come from?"

Oh God what have I done?! Are we about to get a sex ed lesson?! Hands fly into the air.

Bailey murmurs aloud - "mm, can't choose you Alex you were just talking and that's rude. Oh! Can't choose you either Sophie you're doing the wrong thing." His eyes finally stop on Isaiah who answers:

"Jesus made us."

Bailey's face splits into a grin of scornful glee as though he expected this answer and chose Isaiah purposefully.

"Nope, wrong! It's a process called evolution. You see, millions of billions of millions of trillions of years ago we were monkeys and over time we changed just a little bit every few years until we became humans. Any questions?"

Hands fly into the air again and Isaiah's is waggling furiously while his face is a determined grimace. Bailey chooses another person but Isaiah cannot stand it and bursts out:

"Nuh-uh!! Jesus and God made us because that's what they told me at church."

I am frankly shocked at the level of intelligent debate occurring in kindergarten and am flabbergasted for a moment.

Jake pipes up and is wearing a smug grin - "Umm, I THINK Isaiah would know. He knows all about this stuff because he goes to church."

The whole class looks to me, waiting for my rule on the topic. They all stare expectantly into my face for answers.

"Well, as you grow up you might hear different reasons for how we got here and it's up to you to make up your mind which of them you want to believe. It's important to listen to what your parents tell you but also listen to the other ideas too so you have lots of information."

Although kindergarten seems to grasp the evolutionist vs creationist debate the concept of multiple truths eludes them and they are incredulous that I am saying that more than one answer can be right. They want answers, dammit! The class erupts into angry noise with Isaiah's voice at the foreground simply repeating, "Nah! Nah! Nah!" in horror. Jake is simply smiling into the distance as though no debate could shake his belief system and is faintly amused by the situation. A few kids are still staring at me questioningly and I decide to wrap it up.

"Guys, you need to ask your parents about what you want to know alright? Say thank you for listening, Bailey."

I give Cooper a sticker for being a good listener and he relaxes instantly, flexing his hands.

You never know what you're going to get with afternoon news.